either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
