So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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