Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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