I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
