if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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