I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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