By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
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