I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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