Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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