Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
