Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
