i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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