Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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