Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
