So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
