Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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