oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
