Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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