I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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