Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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