Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
