Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
