Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
