im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
