Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
