dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
