why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
