he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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