She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize