i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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