Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize