But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize