I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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