Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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