I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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