Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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