We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
