I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
