When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize