i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
