So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
