Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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