So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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