Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
