Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
