I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
