There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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