ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize