i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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