I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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