I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
