trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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