Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
They have beer where we have blood.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You ate ashes out of my bong
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
