Plan B is the new Plan A
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
