Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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