I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize