I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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