can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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