Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
