I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
