im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
