woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
