I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
