since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
