I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
