I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you win again, gameday.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize