I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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