I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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