things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
