apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
