Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
