I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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