Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
